Confession #5 - Cutting the fat from the budget!

God's refining us yet again.  Just wondering how long this time it's going to take for Him to be done refining us on this lesson.  We've been so broke, it's been very hard.  Bill collectors want money we don't have and we are to the point of losing coverages in certain areas.  Yes, we are financially struggling.  We've always tried to work hard to take care of our own and to be faithful in our giving of tithes and whatever else was needed.  This has been going on since last June.  We're both so tired of dealing with what little bit rolls in just to cover bills.  It's Feb 28th and I have NOT bought my children school clothes yet!  They both have needs - socks & jeans mostly, but it's a good thing I save hand me down clothes from my oldest for my youngest.  We've had to work out something with finance company to defer our trucks payments, I've been waiting every day for them to come pick it up.  Our house note is behind and has gone UP $500 a month (escrow, I'm sure!).  I keep fighting with the idea of getting a job, but I keep feeling like He is telling me no.  If I do run out for a whatever job - I'll be paying daycare and that'll be of no help. What's the point?

Lesson being learned thus far - we don't need more "stuff".  I've actually been cleaning out everything, getting rid of clothes, shoes, kitchen stuff, books, etc, lots of stuff that I have no attachment too. It does feel good to not want "stuff."  Realizing that contentment is attainable and that maybe I am not such a good steward with what God allows us to have.  Learning what our true needs really are.  I don't like being refined, but I do like that He is changing my heart towards so many things.

Confession #4 - Financial Whoa's and Lows!

At the end of the night, after the party was over, after our guests left, my hubby pulls some money from his pocket.  He had been given a nice fresh crisp $100 dollar bill by a friend that felt led to give it to us.  I was immediately shocked by the unexpected source of this monetary donation.  I know these kind folks don't really have extra and especially not $100 extra.  I told hubby that we couldn't keep it and that I felt very uncomfortable accepting it.  My flesh side was screaming "YEA, money!" deep down inside I really wanted to keep it, but my character and my integrity told me otherwise.  I had just spent money on a birthday party for my son and there was no way I could justify keeping money that could potentially put extra food on their table or gas in their car or whatever. So I slept on it, wanting to see what God would reveal to me.  The next morning I awoke, was chilled and decided on a hot bath, this is usually a great time for me to pray and talk to God.  Here's my bath-time revelation - we can't be trusted with little, so we shouldn't be trusted with this financial gift either, I am not relying on Him and trusting that He will provide and I also felt like this was a test of our integrity to see if we were "greedy" and this was a test of obedience.  I felt a lot of greed when I almost accepted their money but I knew that I could NOT take it.  So I made a beeline for her after bible study last night - I explained to her what I felt, I knew she would understand.  I didn't want to squash the blessing they bestowed upon us, but I knew once I explained, she'd not be disappointed.  She understands obedience and when God speaks - you do!

In the meantime, hubby is talking to her hubby.  Hubby said hubby was given the money for a tattoo and he felt it should be passed on, so it didn't come out of their pocket.  In a way I felt mislead.  But the best part was letting go of that money and releasing it back to someone else who could possibly use it - like them!!  We need it, but not as bad as someone else does.  God will come through for us.  Until then, we are still deep in the throws of a financial valley, but we are learning a lot about contentment and being happy with what we have and to learn to live a leaner life honoring God. 

Confession #3 - Fake People & Fake Personalities

Warning: This is a ranty confession!!

Fake people and the personalities they keep faking.

I get so irked and irritated when I know someone well enough to know they have no relationship/friendship/careship for a particular person, making it look as though they have this fabulous "relationship" with them on Facebook.  It's fake, it's untrue and it's deceptive.  The part I don't like is that I let it upset me.  I tend to let it eat away at me.  I don't act fake with others, so I guess I don't expect others to "act" fake either.  The problem with being fake with others is that it's usually never with one person, it's with everyone around you.  Don't use fakes sorrows to get attention.   You have to keep up with this facade because you don't know who YOU really are BUT God does!  God knows your heart.  God knows your fears.  God knows your thoughts before they ever form in your mind.  God knows when you reach out merely for the attention and it's disgusting.

Help, O Lord, for the godly are fast disappearing!  The faithful have vanished from the earth!  Neighbors lie to each other, speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.  May the Lord cut off their flattering lips and silence their boastful tongues.  Psalm 12:1-3

Don't be Deceptive.  Don't tell Lies.  Don't sell Flattery.  Don't be Fake!  Don't pretend to love people.   The whole point I am trying to make here is that God sees and knows your heart.  Fake disguises itself with caring, a smile and loving words, with Him, you can't disguise fake

Confession #2 - That's MY Pew

Hey, that's my spot, now move! Actually, it's not. It's not my spot at all.

I recently found myself aggravated and moved from my comfort zone (aka my pew in church). I LET it hinder my worship, I literally sulked over this. It bothered me to see someone sitting in the place where I normally sit - like they did it on purpose...like they just KNEW that is my "normal" spot to sit. I've always lived by the idea that "who cares who sits there, it's not my seat."  I think I have attached more ownership to it than I care to admit and that's scary! This is just a dumb thing to get all harebrained and worked up over!  For whatever reason, sometimes God has to "move" us out of our comfort zone so we can see Him or hear from Him. Had I been all comfy in my pew, I may not have been in tune with Him that morning. During this time that He had me moved from one place to another (same pew, but down about 8 seats - - arghhh!!!) He spoke to me. He actually answered a question I've been having, a question I've brought to Him in prayer with regards to a job and what direction to take. He basically told me "massage is not the profession you are led to, it's only for part time" WOW! Really? Okay, so now what?  Then I asked Him, "then why did you allow me excel and succeed at it, IF I'm not supposed to do this?"  I am still waiting on the other part of this answer to prayer, but for now, He has at least given me direction from the avenue of massage, by "partly" answering my request. Sometimes it's nice to be moved.  

True story! 

P.S. - I shall purposefully start looking for a different spot to sit each Sunday... I think.

Confession #1 - Prayerlessness

Is your faith suffering in any areas? Are there areas of your walk with God that you seriously need to work on?

Mine is. Unfortunately this little thing we call "life" gets in the way - ALL the time. At times I feel like my world is spinning out of control and into a chaotic disaster where I don't know left from right. Then at some point I finally realize, hey, I haven't prayed in a while.... this is where satan gets a foothold on me. He has me out of fellowship with God and living a life of turmoil where I've put God in my pocket and "forgotten" about a Him. In a life I am to be gratefully celebrating because God allows me to live - I forget about Him.
Life truly is a gift and we shouldn't for a moment "forget" who allows us to breathe daily. Talk to Him. Breathe Him in. Love Him.

This is a GuiltyGirl Confession ♥